I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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