So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
