If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
