Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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