I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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