i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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