Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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