Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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