he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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