Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
