I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
