Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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