The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
