I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
