Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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