i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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