it wasn't lemon gatorade
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
