So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
