I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
