When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
