I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
