I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
