one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
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no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
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Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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