idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
