So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
