I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
