I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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