Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
