You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
