I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
