If that was your dad, he is hot
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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