Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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