I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
