Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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