I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
