I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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