Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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