Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
