it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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