I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
