Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
