tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
