So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
