the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
