apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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