I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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