My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
