Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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