Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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