You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
