Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
