everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize