I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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